A few months ago a commenter @ gdnnop was very upset that some posters refer to Kate Gosselin as "OCD" bc of her obsessive need for cleanliness and order. She was MAD bc she suffers from OCD and felt that the term is being used too lightly and too often. I commented back to her briefly about my own experiences with ocd and it was the first time I've discussed the issue with anyone other than immediate family. I was thinking about it today and decided to share a little bit about this beast with my blog buddies.
Obsessive Compulsive disorder is most commonly characterized by "intrusive, repetitive thoughts resulting in compulsive behaviors and acts that the person feels driven to perform, according to rules that must be applied rigidly, aimed at preventing some imagined dreaded event"
For me it started when I was a child. I felt these strong urges to do the strangest things. The thoughts were obsessive and if I didn't perform the specific act I was sure something horrible would happen. I knew the thought was irrational, but the anxiety was overwhelming.
My first compulsive behavior popped up when I was 7: taking 3 steps forward and one step back, not subtle and not something you can easily hide. It wasn't all the time and I confined this behavior to home only. My mother thought I was playing. Little did she know I was saving her from some unspeakable calamity that might befall her with my strange little walking "habit".
They rituals changed through the years, it went from the walking thing, to touching things in a certain "pattern", saying my prayers a certain way (If I missed anything or got something out of order I had to start over). I can't remember why but I clenched my hands together really tightly sometimes, I gritted my teeth, I counted things: all WEIRD actions and I knew they were weird. I couldn't explain why I felt like something terrible would happen if I didn't do them and I didn't tell a soul bc I didn't want them to think I was crazy.
I managed to hide it from my mom for a while, but then I hit middle school and the anxiety became overwhelming: I couldnt' hide it anymore. A new "habit" formed. I had to touch the wall in a certain pattern, mess up- start over. I touched everything. Again not something you can hide - I was miserable. My parents couldn't understand why I was doing this, they thought it was a weird habit but didn't realize the depth. I heard this a hundred times a day : "Samantha stop touching things!" It was taking over my life, It was like a mental prison.
When I was 12 my mom took me to talk to a child psychologist but the doctor never mentioned "ocd". At 13 I was eventually able to FORCE myself to stop the touching and other obvious compulsive behaviors. I limited myself to subtle rituals only. The way I tied my shoes, the order I dressed in, the pattern I brushed my teeth in, all things I could hide: but the anxiety was still there. By high school I had stopped 95% of my compulsive behaviors and one day in health class we studied disorders. . . . . I diagnosed myself. It was traumatic but a relief to know that there was a name for this.
As an adult I have to keep it in check. Sometimes I feel the overwhelming urge to check the door I know is locked, to flip the light switch one too many times, to touch the kitchen cabinet repetitively..... I resist. There is one little OCDism that I have to this day, when I'm grocery shopping I wont take the first item in a row. I reach behind and grab the second in the row. . . . I don't know why.
For years I've been dreadfully ashamed to admit this to anyone so even a blog admission is a big step. OCD sufferers know its irrational and thats what separates it from so many other disorders. Well, there you have it folks: My name is Samantha and I beat the begeezes out of OCD.
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18 comments:
sam- if you could see me i would be clapping for you :) OCD is nothing to be ashamed of and i'm proud of you for telling your story. i have a generalized anxiety and am also a recovered addict:) there, now we told all our secrets. part of my anxiety is that when i'm feeling anxious, i count the letters of the words others are speaking and figure out if the "words" are divisible by two or three. no one other than my husband knows i do it. i'm working hard on controlling my anxiety without medication, it's a daily battle. due to my previous addiction issues, i'm fearful of starting an antianxiety med. thanks for sharing!
Secret sharing a bond does make! Anxiety is an itchy bee isn't it? I would love to be free of the A word- maybe one day we both will :)
OCDBs Unite!!
We need a secret handshake ;)
Yeah, secret handshake...but then we'd have to do it three times!
ooohhh i love secret handshakes.... maybe our handshake could be repeating a regular handshake five times in a row:)
Okay but if I mess up we'll have to do it over and over and OVER again. It could take days. Who will make sure the door is locked 17 times??? :)
i'll check the door if you'll bring the xanax
Samantha, thanks for sharing your experience (and the others who weighed in). It was interesting to me and somewhat different than what I have previously understood about OCD. I was a bit surprised that you experienced it as young as you did.
I have struggled with general anxiety for a number of years and I admire those who survive without the meds, but I like my meds and others like me better on them!
:-)
themrs: LAUGHING hysterically at that one. . . . .
Anya-
For some reason OCD symptoms are more prominent in children and teens than adults. Perhaps bc an adult would be more embarrassed of taking 3 steps forward and one step back.....
As far as meds go, Im afraid of side effects or becoming addicted.... which goes back to anxiety, which back to ocd..... LOL
Thanks for sharing and I really love your blog.
Samantha, yes, thanks for sharing. Realizing that you aren't the only one (by a long shot!) is powerful. I also suffer from anxiety. I am also mildly OCD (self-diagnosed). I have the classic "check the locks and burners" symptoms, but also rituals with numbers (I prefer everything in multiples of five). I'm lucky that it's mild enough that I can call it a "preference" - I don't feel an overwhelming urge to commit my rituals, or overwhelming anxiety if I don't. But they give me a sense of well-being, and I do indulge myself to a degree. It can be a time-waster. I don't remember necessarily having the same rituals from a very early age, but I know that before I knew what OCD was, I was aware that I had certain coping mechanisms that were in place purely to control my anxiety, to make me feel like I had things "under control."
Have you read David Sedaris? I know one of his essays talks about having obsessive rituals as a child; one of them, IIRC involved making certain noises, which not surprisingly attracted attention (bringing his teacher for a home visit, with predictably hilarious results).
I swear to God, if Valium weren't addictive I would be on a Valium drip. That would be heaven! :-)
Guinevere-
Thanks for sharing with me! I havent read that but it does sound hysterical- I'm an avid reader. I've never had valium but I imagine we could all benefit greatly. . . LOL
The Sedaris story is available online as an audio file (read by the author) at http://www.salon.com/audio/2001/03/16/sedaris_naked/
Just if you're interested. I think he's a very funny writer and a good reader of his stories (though I know some people who find his voice distracting).
Samantha, I remember that poster. I don't know why she got all butt hurt over that. Anyways, I had OCD issues really bad in my first marriage and after he died. I would go in my bathrooms and wipe down the sinks anytime someone used them. I clean toilet area and seat as well. I was prob worse in the kitchen. At night before going to bed I would check my doors and light switches 14 times each. I have no idea why the number 14. It just worked out that way. My house was called a show home as it was never messy.
When I got with this husband, I changed within a couple of years. I finally gave up I think because he would mess up the bathroom and move things around on my shelves on purpose to prove to me I was being crazy. Don't get me wrong, there are still OCD parts to me. I still am anal about doors being locked but only check once now, even if I know and heard someone lock them I still need to see for myself. I don't do the lights anymore. I have eased up bathroom stuff. My worst one is prob throwing away Glade plug ins when they get funky on the outside and buying all new. Drives my husband nuts as he hates scents and all "that smelly crap".
Its good to know alot of us have issues.
I'm proud of your for overcoming the compulsions- and even though you probably hated it at the time your husband was doing you a favor. Know the funny thin gabout the glade plug ins? I wont use them bc of the myth that they can cause fires! (I have a major fire fear) Anyway its been debunked here http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/household/glade.asp but I'm still paranoid lol!
I never thought about fire with the Glades. I also have a phobia of electrical appliances. I stand far back with a towel and unplug. How sick is that?
Monica-
it makes me strangely happy to know I'm not alone in my paranoia :)
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